


Poisonous

by DrJackAndMissIole



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Era, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Food, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, medieval times, mentions of Uther Pendragon, shameless boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 06:43:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16300034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrJackAndMissIole/pseuds/DrJackAndMissIole
Summary: A new chef's in the castle and Uther's ecstatic about itArthur's a little more cautious, though, and 'asks' Merlin to help





	Poisonous

**Author's Note:**

> As per usual,  
> I Don't Own Shit.  
> I got inspired to write this by the official Inktober list of prompts for this year, but since I suck at drawing, I decided to write this one-shot instead  
> ENjoy!!

“I don’t really think this is edible.”

"Well, it certainly doesn't look so, Mer _lin_. But, since my taster's busy with Father, I thought ‘ _Why not have the clumsy oaf try it?'_ Clearly one of my best ideas ever!”

 “With all the respect, Your Royal Prattiness, I don’t see how me trying your food would help. With your rotten luck combined with my abilities, I could drop dead in a week or just throw up once, while you could possibly die on the spot!”

 _‘Not that I would ever let something like that happen’_ , Merlin thought to himself. The new chef was hell-bent on establishing a new strict dietary regime for the whole castle. Uther was ecstatic. Apparently, this new way of eating made him happier and generally a better person. He claimed he felt refreshed. Arthur thought that he was either poisoned or delirious, so he sent his own taster to aid his Father's, who was having trouble with all that fibbers.

So far, only Uther was eating the new food, while the rest of the castle could stick to the old way of cooking. Until now.

Igor, the new chef, had decided to prepare his most renown recipe which consisted in a plate of green looking slime that smelled like rotten vegetables on a three days old corpse during the summer. It probably was a stew of the remaining of the previous meals, boiled and cooked more in one large caldron and then made solidify in the hart. Truly abominable.

“I don’t think I can do it, Arthur.”

The Prince sighed and stood up, beginning to walk near his manservant. “You really don’t have to. Besides, even if you taste it and it turns out edible, I’d never eat it! I am a warrior! I need sustenance, not rabbit food!”

“Well, a little bit of rabbit food would do you good. I don’t know how many more holes I can make in your belt to make it fit around you.”

“Are you calling me fat, Merlin. Also be careful on your nest words.”

“Are you saying that as my liege and prince, as my employee or as my boyfriend?”

“All of the above.”

“Well then: no, _sire_ , you are not fat; no, I would never say something like that to the person that pays me, even though you pay me a misery and I deserve a raise for putting up with you; and finally, you’re round and cuddly, not fat!”

“...” a wicked smile appeared on Arthur’s face. “Now that you’ve clarified that, go on with your business, Merlin, and do as I order you. Eat that stew.”

“You said I didn’t have to!”

“I changed my mind after your statement. Maybe this culinary cleanse will do me good, I will be less _‘round and cuddly’_.”

“But that’s the best part! You’re so muscular and at the same time so soft, like a.... a.... like something muscular and soft! And it also makes you a furnace to sleep next to! So useful in those cold winter nights that are about to come!”

Arthur crossed his arms over his chest. “Eat the stew, Merlin. And then you’ll come with me to do ten laps around the castle. Gotta build muscle over those easily breakable bones of yours!”

Realizing that pouting and complaining to Arthur would do no good and could possibly worsen his situation, and summoning all his courage and silently begging his intestines to forgive him, Merlin held out a spoonful of greenish thing.

“You swear on your honour as a Prince to never ever do something like this to me ever again, or I’ll stop polishing your armour and clean your room until you’re begging me to.”

Another wicked smile from the Prince: "I can always ask someone else to do these kinds of things."

“Well, yes. But there are other things you cannot ask others. I'll stop doing those as well unless you come to your senses."

Arthur was taken aback by that. He looked almost terrified by the possibility before he put on a cold mask and muttered a short ‘ _Deal'_ through his gritted teeth.

Laughing, Merlin kissed him soundly on the cheek before launching the spoon full of grey-ish, yellow-ish slob into his mouth.

It tasted even worse than it looked and smelled, which was something, truth to be told. He’d have to give Igor his compliments, because, even if Merlin had seen many horrors, that dish beat them all.

Maintaining a blank face, he shot it down his throat and said to Arthur: "It is kinda good, actually. Why don't you try...?"

“Mer, what's wrong?", Arthur asked putting a hand on his shoulder. The sorcerer had now turned the same colour as the stew.

He moved, faster than humanly possible, towards the nearest window and emptied the content of his stomach out of it.  
Luckily for him, no one was passing nearby.

Not moving from his slouched position against the cool rock of the frame, he claimed: "It might not be poisonous, but it not good either.”

The Prince had moved closer to him and was drawing small circles on his back. “I believe Igor will be removed from the burden of cooking my food from today.”

“Why?”, asked Merlin almost laughing, “I thought his food was perfect for your father and he now wanted you onboard as well. Or are you doing this for me?”. He then batted his eyelashes furiously towards Arthur, who was now laughing as well.

"Father could only live of dough and raw eggs. He stopped savouring food ages ago when he decided that a scorching hot broth was cold enough to be eaten directly from the pot. He'll miss meat soon enough, likes the bite too much. And it's not like he can force me to eat something. I'm not a child anymore. And also, no. I am doing absolutely nothing for you."

“Oh good, for one second I thought you had feelings for me here.”  
“That sentence is the worst possible insult ever.”

“Anyhow. I am going to wash my mouth with some water and then we’ll go grab some decent food from the kitchens. Believe it or not, us servants still get to eat normally.”

“You lucky son of a dragon. Or should I say of a dragon lord?”

Merlin laughed and wrapped his arms around Arthur, “I don’t take it as an insult, you know?”

"Maybe." A wicked light sparkled behind the Prince's eyes, "For now just do the first part of your plan and let's skip the food. Let's see how cuddly I really am."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I wrote this during a boring lecture and finished it after a nightshift so, i'm sorry if it doesn't make sense  
> Please don't forget to leave a kudo and comment  
> Grazie mels, come al solito.  
> Thank you again,  
> Jo


End file.
